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A
reflection on my experiences of becoming a parent.
This is the first Essay I
write of the many ahead of me. I chose to start with this one
because reflecting on my experiences as a parent is something
that I have been doing since I became a mother.
Since my children are still very young I am going to focus on
the transition from being a woman to becoming a mother. I am
going to show that becoming a parent is a period of transitions,
adjustments and self discovery.
After 5 years together,
my husband ad I decided to have a baby. I always had an enormous
need to feel needed. According to Kate Figes, (1998) in her book
"Life after birth", babies can give us such a strong sense of
purpose, of belonging, being important and needed.
Once the decision of
having a baby was made things didn't seem so simple to me
anymore. I thought a lot about how becoming a mother would
change my life and then I realized that it was up to us what
kind of family we would be. It never crossed my mind that
motherhood would change me as well.
It took me 2 months to
get pregnant and I must say that I was very excited at first.
Once the initial excitement passed, fear took over. On one side
I was so happy for having a life growing inside me but on the
other side I was very frightened. I didn't expect to feel so
confused.
During pregnancy it is
common to feel confused. Who is this baby? Who will I be as a
mother? How will my life change? Questions like these follow you
on and off during the pregnancy (Stern, 1998)
The fact that one person
can feel so positive and negative about the same experience is
surprisingly contradictive. Being so confused and insecure about
something that I wanted so much made me feel guilty. How could I
have those feelings about something that I wanted so much? I
started to have second thoughts about the reasons why I wanted
to become a mother and felt I had no right to have those
feelings.
This can be a very
frightening situation. However much a baby is wanted, there are
times when women feel overwhelmed by the irreversibility of the
situation and also quite afraid about the changes they have
ahead (Figes, 1998). I felt there was something completely out
of my control and yet controlling me.
The next 8 months were of
great value for me to come to terms with the fact that I was
indeed going to become a mother and by the end of the pregnancy
I was pretty sure I had made the right decision and had
committed myself to be the best mother in the world. Now I
believe this was a mistake. We can only be as good as we can as
people have limitations. I started my role as a mother already
with a lot of pressure.
When my precious baby
was finally born I was so worried about the psychological side
of this new role of being a mother that the physical side took
me by complete surprise. I had never imagined that I would be so
tired and sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation is one of the most
common problems of parenthood (Brennan et al., 1991).
I knew that once you have
children your life changes. It actually starts at conception
when the mind undertakes the formation of an idea of the mother
you might become. And it is more dramatic when the needs of a
new baby subsides all familiarity of your old life and forces an
undefined future (Stern, 1998).
All the baby needs come
first and we the parents somehow have to fit in our own needs. I
needed to know that I was not alone in finding aspects of
motherhood hard and that my feelings were normal and I was just
one more young mother struggling to come to a balance. Many
mothers find that life is dominated by chaos and confusion after
childbirth because so much happens at the same time (Figes,
1998)
When I finally had
organized my life as a mother, and that was when my baby was
about 12 months old, I felt I was ready to have another baby. I
didn't want my children to have too many years between them. I
never had brothers or sisters close in age to me and I felt like
an only child growing up.
The arrival of a second
child is again of great transitions. The number of relationships
within the family doubles from 3 to 6 requiring a lot of
adjustments. Parents are hit by enormous exhaustion and it is
common to have feelings of cracking up. Everyone is tired, the
routine is boring and small children are very demanding. (The
Times, 7.Sept.2000)
I didn't realize how hard
it was going to be to have a toddler and a new baby. I had no
experience dealing with siblings and when I decided to have
children, I had all those ideas of how I was going to educate
and discipline them and worst of all how they were going to be
and behave. For my surprise when my first child got to the
toddler years my techniques of discipline didn't seem to work. I
then had to adapt to my child's temperament and needs.
After my second child was
born my life seemed to be just all about babies. I was so
overwhelmed with my new baby and trying to manage a difficult
toddler that I soon forgot that I also had needs. I had no life
outside the home and it felt like my life was over. My second
child was a very difficult baby. She never slept and I felt very
isolated. Having babies can be very isolating, especially since
extended family living in the same town became a thing of the
past (Kline, 1997)
My days were nothing
more than changing nappies, feeding the baby and toddler and a
whole bunch of housework tasks that never seemed to end. The
problem was that I never had any escape out. I didn't have
anybody to talk to or any activities on my own. Taking time for
yourself is a necessity. Motherhood shouldn’t stop you being an
individual, but it is easy to forget your own needs (NCT).
If I analyze my
personality before I had children, I have to say I had always
been the kind of person that does everything when she wants and
how she wants. Well, that wasn't the case anymore. I started to
feel that I didn't know who I was anymore. Somewhere along the
way I had lost myself. With time a new sense of self with new
priorities emerged and I realized that I had gained a new
identity. I had changed from a free young woman to a responsible
grown up mother. I started to accept that not only my life had
changed but that also I had changed to adapt to this new life.
And that it wasn’t a bad change, just different.
The first two years after
my second child was born were not easy. The perfect family I
always dreamed required a perfect mother who is always patient,
never raises her voice, has impeccable children who always say
the right things. In this dream family, I was never too tired to
read to the children at night and would always do activities and
games with them. I had to learn to accept that is normal to lose
your temper now and then and just because you can't do all the
things you would like to do with them does not mean you are a
bad mother. Raising and disciplining children is not an easy job
and it has its up’s and down’s. Children test you all the time
and they need to know what their limits are (Einon, 1997). There
are times that we feel we have to do things that we would rather
not have to but it is all part of being a mother.
Sometimes I look back and
I feel sad for not have enjoyed my second baby as much as I
would have liked and in a way I feel it was my fault. If I just
had the knowledge I have today, things would have been very
different. Maybe not easier but my attitude towards it would
have been different. A more positive one. I know those years
will never come back and now that I am wiser I try not to think
about what is gone and do think about what we are living at the
moment. One day these years will also be memories and I will be
able to say that I enjoyed my children. I think it is important
for everyone to have sweet childhood memories. I try to make
sure that my children have them. A family routine is not always
easy, so for me it has become very important to find ways to
enjoy the youngs. Things that will stay in both our memories
Something that I am still
learning to deal with is guilt. I think guilt is something that
comes with every baby. Like dirty nappies. It's very hard to
know if what we are doing is really the best for our children.
Sheila Kitzinger (1994), mentions that research into women’s
lives and experiences of motherhood shows that mothers in
western cultures often feel guilty. Years ago all parents had to
do was to look after their children's basic needs, like feeding,
cleaning and dressing. Then people realized that to make
children turn into responsible and productive adults, that
wasn't enough. The next step was the basic needs plus giving
children education. Nowadays we realize that we also have to
look after their psychological needs and some mothers, as if all
that wasn't enough, still have to work outside the home. Mothers
are expected to do all that without the slightest glance of
trouble. Professional experts who often have no personal
experience of caring for children tell mothers what they have to
do and even what to feel. Criticism in our ways of raising
children makes us feel guilty (Kitzinger, 1994).
Dr. Christopher Green
(1997), makes a point in his book "Toddler Taming" that parents
who were blessed with "angel" children have no idea of what
others not so lucky go through, and it is usually all blamed on
the mother. We all make mistakes and learn with them. All I know
is that everything I do it is thinking I am doing the best.
Sometimes, depending on the circumstances we are not able to do
what we think is best and we have to do the best at the moment.
Now, with my third child
I have to say that is the baby I enjoyed the most. Maybe it is
because the fear of the unknown of becoming a mom for the first
time is gone. Also I have experience with siblings and know
that children have their own personality no matter how you raise
them and that we have to accept it. Or maybe it is because I am
older and wiser. But most of all, I think it is because I have
acquired confidence and accepted who I am and what kind of a
mother I am which is far from perfect.
Daniela Vasconcellos
(2000)
References:
Brennan H.L., Goresh P.,
Myeres C.H. et al. (1991) Discovering Motherhood. Mothers at
home, Virginia
Einon D. (1997) Child
behaivour. Penguin Group, London
Figes, K (1998) Life
after birth. Penguin Group, London
Green C. (1997) Toddler
Taming. Vermilion, Londo
Ingram M. (2000) The key
to a happy family. The Times, 7.Sept.2000
Kitzinger S. (1994) The
year after childbirth. Oxford University Press, Oxford
Kline C.B. (1998) Child
of Mine. Dell Publishing, New York
National Childbirth
Trust, Happy and healthy after birth. ICT, Dublin
Stern M.D. (1998) The
birth of a mother. Basic books, New York |
